Who Stole the Newspapers?

While I am out of town, I am going to let my two writing friends, Slim Randles and Tracy Farr entertain you with their humor. They were regular columnists for WinnsboroToday.com, when we were still publishing that online magazine, and I so enjoyed their wit and wisdom. They were both kind enough to tell me that I could use their columns now and then on my blog, and that comes in real handy right now as I prepare for my two week vacation and book tour. Enjoy....

The newspapers began disappearing about two weeks ago. Vanishing like smoke in a high wind. The paper boy swore he delivered all of them, same as usual. Same as his older brother had before him. Said he was able to “porch” quite a few. 

But when our copies of the Valley Weekly Miracle kept disappearing, it wasn’t long before gab sessions were taking place in the beauty parlors and barber shops and the coffee shops regarding our local crime spree.

Theft hasn’t really been a problem here, you see. Usually something that starts out looking like theft turns out to be something pretty innocent that just happened to be complicated by a lack of communication. Oh, we’re not completely free of theft, of   course. Like last summer, when someone took Bert’s new sprinkler off his hose in broad daylight in the front yard. For several days, Bert drove around looking at the patterns our sprinklers had, trying to locate his own. It was no use. He finally reported to us down at the Mule Barn truck stop’s philosophy counter and world dilemma think tank that this sticky-fingered act of legerdemain was stacking up to be the work of a grab-it-and-git drive-by bandit from out of town.

That’s why, when the papers began disappearing from our front lawns and even from the sanctity of our front porches, we knew something had to be done.

Several volunteers from the Mule Barn agreed to rise early and watch to see if their papers vanished and who did it.

This Neighborhood Watch exercise worked. Blackie was caught in the act and his crime spree ended before very many papers had vanished.

Then Blackie was taken home and his owner was informed that this was one Labrador retriever who had retrieved his last paper without paying for a subscription. Piles of newspapers were found in Blackie’s house and behind the swing set.

The community was given a guarantee that on delivery mornings, Blackie would remain on the chain until everyone had their papers and coffee.

Crime cannot be allowed to continue. Especially when everyone needs to read the paper to see how much the editor dared to print.
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