A Mythical Interview with Betty Ward

Please welcome Elaine Pereira as Wednesday's Guest this week. She had some fun with a mock interview with her mother, Betty Ward, whom Elaine refers to as "the heroine" of her recently released memoir. Sunday I reviewed her book, I Will Never Forget, in which she shared the journey she took with her mother throughout her life, most especially in the years that her mother suffered with dementia.  I thought Elaine and her mother might like a Danish and a cup of coffee while they visit. You can join them. There's more in the kitchen to share. 

Photo Courtesy of Gluten-Free Canteen where you can find lots of gluten-free recipes.

    Thank you, Maryann for inviting us here today and for the refreshments. First I'd like to just give a quick introduction to my mother. In 1945 she graduated with a BS in chemistry then went to work at Upjohn CO in Kalamazoo, MI where she met and married my father, Wayne Ward. They had three children before Betty went back to school for her masters in education. The ‘Life is Good Years’ continued until my father's stroke in 1995, followed in 2004 by both his death and my brother Jerry’s, and finally my mother's rapid decent into dementia. 

From the ashes of her eventual passing arose I Will Never Forget.  I hope you enjoy meeting my mother in this brief interview in which I pretended to be a reporter.

ECP:   You and Wayne had three children, two sons Gerald and David and a daughter
Elaine.  Tell me a little about her. 

BW:  Elaine was adorable but spunky and always testing the limits.  I use to say about her and at times to her: “There was a little girl who had a curl right in the middle of her forehead.  When she was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was horrid”

ECP:   That’s funny!  She did stay “horrid?” 

BW:    No, but she did remain spunky, which was an asset when I needed an advocate to speak for me when I no longer could. 

ECP:   Despite being Catholic, you have some liberal views on certain issues.  Tell us what you don’t agree with?

BW:    I had three children on the rhythm method of birth control so obviously that doesn’t work. Also, I wanted to have our daughter’s name be Elaine but was told by some opinionated nun that there was no Saint Elaine so I couldn’t use it.  Back then the church was pretty strict about using names of saints for our children. We had just buried our 20 month-old son David in August so the idea that the Church would dictate our child’s name while we were experiencing such unspeakable grief, was unacceptable.  Our Parish Priest however overruled the nun indicating that Elaine is a derivative of St. Bernadette.  I laughed! 

Lastly, I am not an advocate of pro-active measures to end life prematurely but I strongly support a quality of life.

ECP: How sad that you lost your son. What happened?

BW:  It was a car accident. I was four months pregnant with Elaine when it happened, killing little David. The rest of us were injured and the accident created financial devastation. The only thing I could be thankful for was that I didn't lose the baby I was carrying.

ECP:   You mentioned Elaine was your voice when you couldn’t advocate for yourself.  Can you tell us more about that time?

BW:    Well due to Alzheimer’s, I don’t remember everything (Ha!) but she was my rock!  At times when the dementia fog lifted though, I knew everything she was doing for me and thanked her.  When reciprocal communication was beyond my control I “spoke” with my eyes and she listened.

ECP:    You wandered from your care facilities on two occasions with dire consequences. 

BW:    The first time I thought I needed to take the groceries out of the trunk.  It was a crazy, misguided notion because I didn’t have a car anymore, wasn’t driving and hadn’t gone grocery shopping in the middle of the night. Alzheimer’s really plays terrible tricks on your mind!  I fell hard outside and couldn’t get up.

The last time, my dementia-induced hallucinations had me seeing my own mother, a wonderful woman who died when I was in my 30s.  I felt compelled to find her, thinking she was across the street and needed me to take care of her.  On a cold winter night, wearing only thin red flannel pajamas, I was able to wander out the front door of my locked facility because someone forgot to reset the alarm.  Five hours later I was found literally near frozen to death in severe hypothermia. 

ECP:    Tell us how you feel about having your life immortalized in a memoir. 

BW:  Unlike Elaine who shines in the limelight, I’m more private.  She has my blessing though because the intent of her book is to support others on their journey through dementia as well as supporting Alzheimer’s awareness.

She and I have always been able to express ourselves verbally and in writing with passion, integrity and honesty.

I am proud that Elaine’s legacy is telling this story, one that had to be told, as it is everyone’s story. I am especially proud that she donates a portion of the proceeds from the sale of each copy of I Will Never Forget to support Alzheimer’s research.

Don't forget the big sale at Untreed Reads where you can get 30% off all romance titles, from sweet to steamy. Perfect Valentine's Day gift for that special someone in your life who likes to read. My Play It Again, Sam is one of the books on sale now through Valentine's Day.

Book Review - Untethered: A Caregiver's Tale

Untethered: A Caregiver's Tale  by Phyllis Peters will be out November 15th on Amazon, and other outlets shortly afterward. I was sent an advance review copy, and was quite taken with the story. Here is how we, and the central character are introduced to the main drama of the story:

“Mr. Conklin?”

“Yes?” I said. The aroma of brewing French roast filled our kitchen. I couldn’t concentrate.

“I’m Officer Vargas,” she clarified.

“Yes?” I repeated. I had to reflect, quickly. The IRS doesn’t call their people “officers,” do they?

“Mr. Conklin, we picked up your father in an incident this afternoon and he’s named you as the person able to provide transportation home. Are you able to come down and get him?”

I didn’t answer her at first. Taking coffee mugs out of the cabinet for me and Mel seemed a more real task. I set them on the counter, realizing slowly that I was not talking to the IRS. Mel couldn’t hear Officer Vargas’s side of the conversation, so she blinked and cocked her head. Behind her, the clock on the stove said it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon—a Tuesday afternoon, an early autumn one. We had both taken the day off from our hectic jobs at the hospital to relax and see the beauty. I was just beginning to see, and as that song from my youth says, I was now on my way. To the police. To spring my 85-year-old dad."

The rest of the story revolves around the challenges that Conklin and his wife face, as well as extended family, dealing with the father who has Alzheimer's.

The author said she wrote the book because she knew so many people who are caregiving, or will be caregiving, for people affected by dementia and/or Alzheimer's.  She says, "Alzheimer’s destroys minds, but it also throws into pain and upheaval lives, families, memories—and joy. Caregivers can be under so much pressure that they do not know where to turn or how to get through the next hour of their own or their loved ones' lives. Untethered is my contribution to the emotional side of caregiving, to offering hope and perhaps a chuckle to anyone who needs a break or is seeking the simple pleasure of relief through shared experience.

The book does provide enough humor to help ease the tension for anyone dealing with a difficult situation. I remember that humor helped my long-time friend through the years of caregiving for her mother as her mother's mind slipped away. It is said that laughter is the other side of tears, so it is always good to laugh when you can.

I found the writing engaging, charming and full of hope and joy, and I really loved the primitive ink drawings at the beginning of each chapter. They had a special charm all of their own. I tried to capture an image from the book, but they were protected. I guess you have to read the book to see them for yourself. (smile)

Phyllis will be my guest this next Wednesday. I do hope you can come back to meet her. She has written a short essay about joy that is quite nice, and there will be a video where you can get to know more about this book and the charity she is supporting with the proceeds from sales. 

Preserving the Past

Natalie Marshall, a junior at a Dallas high school, recently wrote a column for The Dallas Morning News about how precious memories are. She was inspired to write because her grandmother has Alzheimer's, and the old lady's memories are fading, but that wasn't the main point she wanted to make.

Because of the mental devastation of the disease, Natalie's grandmother's behavior is changing, and she is not the same loving, kind person she once was. Natalie wrote that the now is not how she wants to remember her grandmother. She would rather her memories be centered around the grandmother who laughed a lot, loved to sing, and was always active.

The stories of her grandmother's travels and her work with American Indian children in Colorado, and the special family times of laughter and singing are the stories that Natalie feels an urgency to preserve. "So that when our minds can't hold them, they live on."

Natalie mentions a book of family stories that her maternal grandfather wrote about growing up during the Depression, serving in combat in WWII and Korea, and raising his family. She wrote about how she treasures the stories because it keeps her connected to the grandfather who has since died, but there are other important reasons to write family histories."The courage drawn during hard times inspires the next generation to persevere. Each person is unique, and storytelling gives us a glimpse into someone's soul. Through stories you step into a person's shoes, into a time other than your own, and become immersed in his or her world."

Maybe Natalie will help her grandmother with a book of her history, before it is all lost in forgetfulness. That would truly be a gift to the whole family.

The important moments in history are just dry facts until they connect some way with someone in our family. The Depression is just history until a grandfather tells a grandchild how his family survived. VJ Day is just a date until a grandmother shares what it meant to go watch the celebratory parade.

Lets all be sure to capture our stories and preserve them for our children and grandchildren.

Gift Book Suggestion

Here is another review of a book that would make a wonderful gift. I had the pleasure of reading and reviewing this book when it first came out as a self-pubbed book through IUniverse. After it got rave reviews it was picked up by a major publisher and re-released this year. A wonderful read....


STILL ALICE by Lisa Genova

Alice Howland, a Harvard professor of linguistics has trouble remembering a few things. But she doesn’t worry that there is something seriously wrong with her. After all, her husband, John, keeps forgetting where he put his keys, but that assurance is shattered the day Alice forgets how to get home after her morning jog. She stands in the middle of Harvard Square and has no idea which street she needs to take to find her house.

That experience scares her enough that she goes to see a neurologist, who, after a series of tests, diagnoses Alice with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

Because the story is fiction, and fiction often comes with a happy ending, I kept waiting for the miracle. The diagnosis would be a mistake, or the clinical trial would work and Alice would somehow recover. But the book is so laced with reality, the “happy ever after” ending just wouldn’t work. Alzheimer’s is a slow, emotionally wrenching, death of cognition that affects family and friends almost as severely as it affects the patient. Still Alice chronicles that demise accurately as it happens to the Howland family, and they all struggle toward acceptance. But this is not a sad or depressing read. It is positive and uplifting.

As the central character finds unique ways to maintain her dignity and her tenuous hold on reality, she makes a plea for all people with dementia to be treated with respect. “We, in the early stages of Alzheimer’s are not yet utterly incompetent. We are not without language or opinions that matter or extended periods of lucidity. Yet, we are not competent enough to be trusted with many of the demands and responsibilities of our former lives.”

She ends that speech by asking doctors to step up research to find a cure for the disease, and asking the medical community and the general public not to run away from people with dementia and Alzheimer’s, but to work with them to maintain and celebrate who they are. “I am not what I say or what I do. I am fundamentally more than that.”

And that is the heart of Still Alice as she, and her family, try to hang on to the fundamental part of her that doesn’t change because she can no longer remember who they are.

Books published by iUniverse are often not very well written or edited, but this one could have easily come from a major publisher like Knopf. The depth of characterization and insight into human relationships reminded me of books by Anne Tyler, and the narrative was just as strong, with the facts about the disease seamlessly woven in.

Still Alice is endorsed by the Alzheimer's Association and a portion of the sale of each book is donated to research.


# Paperback: 320 pages
# Publisher: Pocket; 1st Thus. edition (January 6, 2009)
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 1439102813
# ISBN-13: 978-1439102817