Monday Morning Levity

It's been a while since I shared something from my friend, Tracy Farr, and this one had me laughing out loud. Maybe it was just me, but chances are you will find it funny, too.

The pert-near truth about daughters


I have a daughter. Chances are, you have a daughter, too. There’s a special room in heaven just waiting for us. It has a sign on the door that reads: “Shell Shock Recovery Room. No Sudden Loud Noises!”

I’m not an authority on daughters. I only have the one whereas you may have a whole herd of them. But I’m starting to understand some things that I’d like to pass on to those of you who have no daughters, but who really want a few because you’ve heard they’re always polite and never belch at the table (which is a total lie).

So, here’s what I’ve learned so far. It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got:

1. All little girls want horses. They will not be denied. Sure, you could use the logical arguments of high cost, not having enough back yard to keep one, a horse’s pooper-scooper being called a shovel – but when it comes to horses, little girls don’t think logically. It’s best to buy them a subscription to a horse magazine and put off buying a real horse until they’re married and their husband can afford it.

If the subscription doesn’t work, maybe a stuffed animal or poster will do. If not, don’t blame me.

2. A daughter is born with a telephone attached to her left ear. You probably missed it on the day of her birth. Don’t feel bad, most parents do. But now that you see it, I would suggest subscribing to the “You’ve Got A Daughter” cell phone plan. Unlimited minutes, unlimited texting, no roaming charges, national and international coverage, nights & weekends, rollover minutes, and friendly customer service guaranteed for the life of your daughter. It will cost you $1.5 gazillion a year, but that’s a whole lot cheaper than if she “borrowed” your phone and sent her 30 best friends 1,000 text messages a day.

I guess you could get her a phone “only to be used in emergencies,” but a daughter’s definition of “emergency” is: “I haven’t talked to my BFFs for nearly 17 minutes. I must talk to them NOW or the world will come to an end.”

3. When your baby girl starts talking about needing to shave parts of her body, that’s when you need to start looking for a boat. It would be easier if you already had one, but sometimes it’s impossible to see the future through your daughter’s bright, girlish smiles and hugs that seem to say, “Daddy, I love you.”

WARNING: When your daughter gives you those bright, girlish smiles and hugs that seem to say, “Daddy, I love you,” she’s really setting you up for a trap. It’s just a ploy to get either a horse or to borrow one of your razors. Don’t fall for it. Be a man and buy the biggest boat you can afford. You’re going to be using it a lot, so you might as well be comfortable.

4. The menstrual cycle is a perfect excuse to go fishing on that brand new boat. If you have more than one “little girl” in the house, you get to fish twice as much. If you’re a man who has a hard time talking about “that time of the month,” join the rest of us out on the lake. We’ll be waiting for you by the dam.

5. One day your little girl is wearing pigtails, the next day she has boobs. Boobs attract boys; their brains short-circuit when confronted with cleavage; but boys understand shotguns and the damage they can inflict if they don’t steer clear of your little girl’s “blessings.” A daddy has to do what a daddy has to do – whether it be with .12 gauge or .24. And if the shotgun doesn’t do the trick, try the chainsaw.

6. Don't be sad when the day comes that you must “give your daughter away.” Just be thankful you don't have to pay someone to take her. Although, there are times when I think the dowry system of marriage should be revised. (Those times correspond to whenever the goats are out of their pen.)

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! all future suitable suitors for my daughter’s hand in matrimony. You are hereby informed that on the happy day of your union, not only will you receive my daughter and all the bills she’s run up over the years, but you’ll also receive three pygmy goats and their offspring, along with enough fencing material to keep them on your property and not on mine. I’ll even help load your truck at no extra charge.

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Tracy Farr is a musician and humorist, and in his spare time he drives a school bus. You can find more fun stuff at Stinky Creek , Texas

Something Different

It's been kind of a crazy day. Was waiting most of the day for people to come and install new flooring, and they got hung up on another job. Kind of disconcerting when you make plans and arrange your life around something that doesn't happen.

Plus, I was offline most of yesterday due to cable that had gotten cut somewhere between here and Dallas, so today I've been scrambling to get my office work done -- updating winnsborotoday.com writing a review and talking to folks about advertising. Then I realized I hadn't updated here in a couple of days.

With nothing new to add from me, I decided to post a link to a new feature my friend and fellow humorist, Tracy Farr, has started. He's doing podcasts he calls The Bathrobe Monologues and here is a link to his latest about beer.

To read more of his funny stuff, or connect to other humorous and musical offerings visit Stinky Creek Texas.

What? No More Sears Tower?

Here's another bit of nonsense from my friend Tracy Farr, who when he is not writing or playing banjo or watching Oprah, drives a school bus.

I know that talking about the Sears Tower in Chicago has absolutely nothing to do with driving a school bus, but Chicago is in America, Sears is an American company, my bus was built by an American company probably using Sears tools, so indirectly, it all makes sense (and if it actually makes sense to you, can you explain it to me later?)

The Sears Tower, one of the most iconic buildings in America, was recently renamed The Willis Tower. The London-based Willis Insurance Company bought the naming rights for the next 15 years, painted a new sign, and that's that. But I don't like it. Why couldn't they have renamed Oprah instead?

Willis is a money-grubbing insurance company. Sears invented Craftman tools. They probably used some Craftman tools to actually build the tower. That alone should have been enough for the tower to retain its name. But I guess in the end, money always prevails.

"And now ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left side of the bus, you can see The Tower Formerly Known as Sears! Some people call it The Big Willy, but...Oh, look -- there's Oprah!"

The Sears Tower has 110 floors. Willis will only occupy three of those floors. The American law firm of Schiff Hardin already occupies nine. If possession is nine tenths of the law, why aren't we calling it the Schiff Hardin Tower? And why doesn't Schiff Hardin know about "nine tenths"?

Finally, I believe that if foreign companies can come to our country, buy our stuff, rename it to what they like, then we should be able to do the same. We could see the changing of the guard at Sears Palace. We could sing, "The Sears Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down..." We could even listen to Big Sears as it chimes the hour.

Okay, this is just one bus driver's opinion, but the next time I'm in Chicago, I'm not going to let some stinkin' tour guide suggest I go see some stinkin' Willis Tower. I'm going to the Sears Tower. And that's that!

Read more of Tracy Farr's stories at www.busno6.com or www.stinkycreektexas.com

There's nobody in here but us chickens...

Here is another guest blog from Tracy Farr who has a particularly warped sense of humor. Thought you all would appreciate a bit of levity.

As most of you may know, I'm a quiet, unassuming kind of guy who is basically shy, never wants to stand out from the crowd, never speaks out on "the issues," who always does what he's told, and prefers to let rude people run all over me rather than to stand up for myself.

Yep! That's who I am! But today's going to be different. Today I'm going to stand tall and talk about a potential disaster that, if we don't do anything about it, will affect our local economy for now and for ever more. I'm talking about the possible demise of Pilgrim's Pride and the removal of Bo's Head.

(FYI: For those of you who don't know, there's a massive Bo Pilgrim bust standing alongside Hwy 271 just north of Pittsburg, Texas. It's a huge tourist attraction. People come from miles around just to see Bo's Head. So when I say "the removal of Bo's Head," I don't actually mean Bo's REAL head, I mean the tourist attraction head. Okay, now that we have that clear, let's move on.)

Since we live in a capitalistic society, and we all firmly believe that competition is good for the consumer -- that survival of the fittest dictates only the "strong" companies will survive -- there isn't very much we can do about helping Pilgrim's Pride. But if we lose Bo's Head, we might as well cash in our chips and head to the house.

I don't know about you, but when my friends and family come to visit from out of town, I always tell them to go see Bo's Head. And if they go home to THEIR communities and tell others about it, then a steady stream of tourists come through this area and that means they're eating in our restaurants, sleeping in our hotels, shopping in our Wal-Mart, and that's good for our local economy. In other words, it would devastate our community if Bo were to lose his Head.

Besides, Michelle Barganski is a loyal subscriber to this newsletter and Gil Newman is a founding member of The Stinky Creek Jazz Band -- and they both work for Pilgrim's. I sure would hate for anything to happen to their jobs, 'cause I like having them around, too.

In conclusion, it may already be too late to keep Bo's Head from the chopping block. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. But just in case, let's all go out this afternoon and buy a couple of Pilgrim's Pride whole chickens, and maybe even some thighs and chicken wings, just so we can say we did our part in trying to save Bo's Head.

May God be with us all, and may God Bless America.

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The Daily Spittoon -- You can't say we don't care about the issues

Your Golden Parachute

Today I am pleased to have as a guest, Mr. Tracy Farr. In addition to being an amazing jazz musician with the Stinky Creek Band, he is a humorist with more than a bit of wisdom within the words. Tracy shares his wit with the readers of WinnsboroToday.com every week in the Periodic Columns and Essays Department, (I'm Just a Guy) and he agreed to be my guest today with another new piece. So sit back, relax and enjoy:

You deserve a Golden Parachute, too

Ladies and gentlemen,

Are you tired of hearing about banks going under? Are you worried about whether or not your money is safe in your Home Town Bank? Are you wishing for just a small share of the $700 billion Congress is voting on to keep banking CEOs (who caused this mess in the first place) from losing their luxury cars and ocean-front homes?

If you are, then copy and paste the following letter, change it up however you like, send it to whomever you think will listen, and maybe YOU TOO can sew yourself a nice little Golden Parachute.

Dear Mr. President,

I recently made a mistake in my finances by purchasing too many non-essential items through my credit card, without having the money to pay for them. Yes, at the time I thought I desperately needed the 52 inch Plasma HD Flat Screen TV with the optional Dolby Surround Sound for my living room, but I realize now I could have settled for the 48 inch TV instead.

Needless to say, that, and a whole lot of other purchases just like it, has caused me and my family to be in dire need of financial assistance. Without your help, my kids will go without new shoes for the year, I'll have to drive my brand new Prius instead of my brand new Hummer because of gas prices, I will have to switch from the 275-channel cable service to the basic service, and my goats will have to eat the $10 feed instead of the better $25 feed.

With my spending down to uncomfortable levels, I feel this will cause undue stress on local businesses who rely on my spending habits. And if they fail, all of Main Street will fail -- and so goes the country.

Wall Street CEOs made bad financial decisions throughout the years, just like me, and you'll soon be bailing them out to the tune of $700 billion. All I need is a measly $20,000. That's like a drop in the bucket compared to $700 billion -- and not even a FULL drop. More like a 128th of a drop.

I know you will make the right decision and not let my poor family suffer unduly for the mistakes I've made. I'm not asking for a Golden Parachute, but a Silver one would sure help out.

Mr. President, with your assistance, I will learn from my mistakes and never, ever let it happen again -- cross my heart and hope to die; stick a needle in my eye.

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The Daily Spittoon -- Your money is absolutely safe with us!