All I Want for Christmas is.....

Over the years we received some very interesting Christmas lists. One was written on an entire ream of computer paper in 1977, and I still occasionally pick it up for bedtime reading. It's a challenge like War and Peace. Someday I'm going to plow my way through the whole thing.

One year our kids all approached their Christmas lists quite differently. I guess they thought the standard line item list wasn’t garnering quite the response they were after, which means they didn’t get everything they requested. Perhaps they thought a clever approach might work better.

The one we got from our second son was written like a business letter, complete with address, date, salutation and ended with "Sincerely Yours." He forgot one basic rule of business letters, however. Brevity is a good rule of thumb. (But at least it wasn't another novel.)

Our older son took us at our word when we said to keep it short and reasonable. His merely read:
LIST
              1.    a VCR.
              2.    a stereo.
              3.    a radio-powered car.
P.S.  If there is room for more, see me.

Our oldest daughter got very creative with her Christmas list. It was a work of art, complete with decorative pictures and her own brand of humor:
MY CHRISTMAS LIST
                1.    Ferrari
                2.    Mink coat
                3.    Ruby ring
                4.    Arabian palomino
           ** 5. Patrick Duffy! (I think the stars meant she was really serious about this request.)
P.S. If you can't get those, I guess I could live with:
           ** 1.      A canary (I wondered if this was her concession to probably not getting Patrick Duffy.)
               2.     Wicker cage. (At least she's practical),
               3.      Yellow Izod sweater
               4.      Two western shirts and western boots. (Maybe that meant the horse would be at the top of her list the next year.)

When I asked the twins what they wanted for Christmas, they merely handed me the Christmas Wish Book from Sears.

"Do you want me to help you make out a list?" I asked.

"No, just tell Santa we want everything."

I guess they figured why waste your time making out a list while you're still young enough to believe that Santa has an unlimited bank account.

Personally, I never make out a list.

A Little Holiday Fun

Tis the day before Christmas and all is not done,
Things on the “to do” list number a million and one.
There are cookies to cut while the oven is hot,
And a gift for Aunt Mildred. Egad! I forgot.

There are presents to measure, to balance and wrap,
If the stacks are not even the kids will know in a snap.
The turkey is snug in the freezer so cold,
Will anyone notice if I put dinner on hold?

Tis the day to test stamina, courage, and brawn,
The survivors are heroes at next morning’s dawn.
Just when I thought I was running out of time
A stranger appeared with a smile so sublime.

He was dressed all in silver from his head to his toe.
And I blinked my eyes twice to see if he would go.
He patted my shoulder and gave me a latte,
“Your’re almost there,” he said. “The rest will be easy.

“Don’t worry, don’t fret, don’t get in a frazzle,
Together we’ll do it with narry a hassle.
I’ll hang the tinsel and check all the lights,
You bathe the children and kiss them goodnight.”

The kids were all tucked in their beds nice and warm.
(A threat to their presents always works like a charm.)
I’d finally decided, of course. It’s a dream.
That’s a mirage on my sofa eating toffee ice cream.

I was amazed at the picture that greeted my eyes,
My living room looked like Currier and Ives.
The stockings were stuffed, and so was the bird,
What magic he used was beyond any word.

He smacked his lips, gave a sly little wink,
“It’s time I was off to help other, I think.”
He twirled around once, then three time and more,
And in a twinkling was headed out my front door.

There’s no doubt about it; it was love at first sight,
For that stranger who saved me on Christmas Eve night.
No matter his name, he was really such a dear.
I wonder, will he return again in another year?

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Good Cheer!

No Black Friday For Me

I remember a time when shopping the day after Thanksgiving was fun. A lot of people were doing the same thing, but there was no pushing, no shouting, no mad rush to get the latest must-have toy, and nobody grabbing it out of your hands once you had it.

For the most part, everyone was relaxed and in a Holiday mood. Smiles were exchanged and clerks and cashiers wished everyone a Happy Holiday. It always made me think of the wonderful Christmas song, "Silver Bells", and I could imagine we'd entered some magical place where people passed "meeting smile after smile. And on every street corner you'll hear..."

It was also a time when stores opened at a normal time, and people came and went, then more people came and went. Stores did not open at some ungodly hour in the AM, so shoppers had to set alarms to get there on time. Folks also didn't camp out in parking lots and on sidewalks for days to be the first ones in. And they   didn't stampede into a store and injure other people in their desperation need to make sure they got the best deals offered.

For most of this past week, we were bombarded with reminders of this all important retail day. The media made a big deal out of Black Friday, airing what I'm sure they thought were cute human-interest stories about what people were doing to prepare. Plus there were all the ads from department stores, and it seemed like they were competing to see who could open the earliest. Some were even open on Thanksgiving and just stayed open all night and into today.

Watching this all unfold, I realized that Thanksgiving is getting lost. Think of all the retail personnel who were not able to truly celebrate the day because they had to get ready for The Big Day. And what about all the people who opted out of getting together with family at all because they preferred to be the first in line at Best Buy. One local man was interviewed on television and said, "Sorry, Grandma, we're not coming for Thanksgiving."

He laughed. The news anchors laughed. But I wanted to call up Grandma and tell her how sorry I was that her family preferred the X-Box over her.

Christmas Shopping

Here are rules for shopping from my friend, Tracy. Enjoy.....

The Five Christmas shopping ‘Rules of Engagement’

Christmas is creeping up on us again, and that means it’s time to brave the wild indoor shopping centers and outlet malls with the hope of getting some serious Christmas shopping done without being crushed to death in Aisle No. 9 during a Blue Light Special. But do you think I’m worried? Nosirree! I’ve got a plan, and as long as I stick to it, I will not die!

My plan is to do all my shopping on Christmas Eve, hitting the stores with military-like precision: attack, attack, attack, take no prisoners, and don’t charge anything until you see the whites of their eyes. And I believe in “attacking at dawn,” when there’s little resistance because nobody else is stupid enough to get up that early just to go shopping.

Yes, I believe the best time for shopping maneuvers at the local Mega Store is when there are only four people in the building – me, Barbara at the cash register, and the two stock boys in the back who always seem to be asleep. At any other time, those two would follow me around, making me “hit the dirt” every time they lob a bag of potato chips or toilet paper over my head. But, even that’s preferable to being surrounded by a horde of mothers, their screaming children and Zombie-like Husbands.

Beware – Zombie Men are everywhere! They gather at supermarkets and malls this time of year, and, given half a chance, they will suck the life right out of you.

Zombie Men are easy to spot: They hunch over their shopping carts, their eyes downcast in order to avoid eye contact with strangers. Their feet shuffle as they walk, and if you listen closely, you can hear them mumble things like, “Yes dear,” and “Whatever you say, dear,” and “I don’t give a rip, dear,” and “I mean, they look fresh to me, dear.”

Zombie Men used to be regular guys – men who went to the feed store, who tore apart engines for fun, who always had venison in the freezer. But somewhere along the way, they started pushing shopping carts for their wives – wives who are always agitated, jittery, looking for the best bargain, picking up this can of soup, comparing it with that can of soup, finally putting both cans of soup in the cart, telling her Zombie Husband to speed up, slow down, grab that box of cake mix, “No! Not that one! The store brand because it's cheaper.”

“Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear.”

Sometimes when the Zombie Men accidentally look up, I see in their faces a wish for me to put a bullet right between their eyes, just to end their suffering. But I have to look away. There is nothing I can do for them. When I go shopping, I leave my pistol at home.

So, to make sure that I never have to endure crowds, bargain-hunting wives, yelling children, and Zombie Men, I adhere to the following Five Christmas Shopping “Rules of Engagement.” If you can benefit from it, fine. If not, don’t blame me:

1. Make a list of items you need to procure (military term that means “acquire”). Do not leave your Fort without a list. To do so, and be stuck trying to decide between the George Forman Grill or a baby Rat Terrier, would mean certain “death by indecision.”

2. Before you make your list, scout out (another military term that means “reconnoiter”) what size your honey wears, because to buy a 20 when she really needs a 10 means certain “death by fuming.”

3. With list in hand, attack at dawn, or as soon as the front door is open. If the store is having a “50 Percent Off Everything Starting at Dawn” sale, then Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!.

4. Once safely inside the store, quickly commandeer a cart. If someone else is using it at the time – well, spoils of war. With acquired cart, head to the ADM (Area of Desired Merchandise), probe the area, acquire your target, lock and load your cart, then head to the extraction zone (somewhere around Cashier No. 4) making no contact with the general population.

5. The only time you can breathe a sigh of relief is when you are safely out of the Combat Zone and back at your Fort. Count your acquisitions (a military word for “booty” which is a pirate word for “loot”), then conceal it under the bed or some other safe place that nobody would dare clean for fear of “death by dust.”

And that my friends is the key to safe holiday shopping. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, if you follow the rules, you WILL survive!

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Or you can avoid all that entirely and buy a nice book online for a gift. I happen to know someone who could even sign one for the person on your gift list. :-)

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Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas who drives a school bus for the fun of it. In his spare time he plays the banjo, but never on Thursdays. You can read more of his stories at www.stinkycreektexas.com.