Tuesday, October 20, 2009

If A French Woman can do it, why not I?

Here is some more fun from my friend Tracy Farr. Enjoy.......


I have finally come to a decision – I’ve decided to suck it up, bite the bullet and lose a bit of weight before some fisherman spots me and tries to harpoon me for Sunday brunch.

I may only lose an ounce or two in my quest for thinness (I tend to set my goals low when it comes to extra-curricular physical exertion), but by golly, I’m going to do it this time; not like last time when I got it in my mind to be healthy and thin, and then got it right out of my mind when I found a gallon of Cookies & Cream ice cream in the freezer. And you know there’s no way I can let a gallon of ice cream stay unopened for something as silly as wanting to look more like Jack LaLanne instead of Moby Dick.

What is it that has inspired me to change my ways and tonnage? The answer is French Women.

According to what I read in an article about the book “French Women Don’t Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure” by Mireille Guiliano, French women never set foot inside gyms or fitness centers and they are still skinny. No treadmills, no stationary bikes, no weights, and no puking up their guts after trying to run a mile like they could when they were younger but were horribly mistaken and will never do it again (not saying that happened to me, but just saying).

Did you hear me? French Women -- no gym, they eat what they want and they’re still skinny! And that’s coming from Mireille Guiliano, a French woman, and you’d think she’d know.

Of course French Women do other things to remain so slender, like walking a lot and eating in moderation, but I just skipped over that section of the article. The important detail is they DON’T work out at a gym.

Gyms are sad, smelly places where young people with a lot of energy go to sweat, because they look good while sweating; whereas old people just look like sad, sweaty old people trying to ward off the Grim Reaper for a couple more years without blowing a knee or a hip.

Of course, I have no idea if a gym is sad or smelly because I’ve never stepped inside of one; but if I did, the “behind my back” conversation would probably go something like this:

“Poor guy. Practically looks dead already. Hey, we better keep an eye on him while he’s walking that treadmill. I bet his heart is ready to go at any moment. And wouldn’t that ruin a good day of healthy sweating for the rest of us?”

The first person who thought of opening up a commercial fitness center was a genius; right up there with Einstein, Bill Gates, and Richard James, the inventor of the Slinky. All the exercise genius had to do was find a building, buy some equipment, invite people to come and pay money to sweat, and convince his wife he wasn’t crazy (the hardest part). And if that isn’t genius, I don’t know what is.

But back to French Women – French Women don’t sweat. Well, what I mean is they don’t sweat off the pounds by going to the gym, and since they don’t shave their legs and underarms either (just like me), I might as well give this “not going to the gym to lose weight” thing a try.

So here’s my plan: Starting Monday, I’m going to walk briskly to the couch, sit down, put my feet up and hold them there until I’ve finished the newspaper. Then I’ll stand up, walk briskly to the icebox, do five reps of scooping Cookies & Cream into a bowl (maybe seven reps if I feel energetic), walk briskly back to the couch, sit down, put my feet up again, and hold them there for as long as I can get away with it, then relax.

And then I’m going to write my own book. I think I will call it, “Fat Men Who Sit on the Couch and Idolize Skinny French Women for their Workout Regime; A Guide to Better Health and Eating Without Worrying That Your Arteries Are About to Explode.”

Me and French Women – we know how to feel the burn!


*************
Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas and drives a school bus for the fun of it. In his spare time he plays the banjo, but never on Thursdays. You can read more of his stories at www.stinkycreektexas.com.

8 comments:

Helen said...

Very cute. I like your attitude. You could start a self-help group, charge $10 for others to come and sit with you, each would have to bring their own snack, of course.

Helen
Straight From Hel

Maryann Miller said...

LOL, Helen. I'm sure Tracy will consider your suggestion.

Joholdenhan said...

People should read funny articles like this more often. Laughing burns calories, or so they say. Speaking of burning calories, I'm gonna get up and take a brisk walk downstairs to find some pizza.

Julie Lomoe said...

Great post, though I disagree about gyms. Personally, I love the YMCA, even though I'm an over-weight older woman. I like ogling the hard-bodied younger men even if they don't ogle me.

Julie Lomoe's Musings Mysterioso

Maryann Miller said...

LOL, Jo, that is my kind of exercise. :-)

Maryann Miller said...

And, Julie, I like your attitude, too. Was just oogling some cute young guys myself recently. If we stop admiring them, we are in trouble. :-)

Tracy Farr said...

How come it's okay for "mature" ladies to ogle younger guys, but it's down right criminal for us "mature" guys to ogle younger women? Not that I do, of course...I was just curious.

Maryann Miller said...

LOL, Tracy. I never thought it was criminal to ogle. Just don't ogle too closely.