Wednesday, January 01, 2014
The Ghost of New Year's Resolutions
Here's hoping everyone had a fun New Year's Eve, and I wish you all the very best in 2014; good health, joy, and success in every endeavor. I thought I would start off the New Year with a special Wednesday's Guest, The Ghost of New Year's Resolutions. This piece is one I wrote back when I did my humor column for a newspaper, and it is always fun to revisit it. Enjoy!
Normally, when it came to New Year's resolutions, I tried not to demand too much of myself, preferring to do something simple like giving up escargot. But one year, in the interest of strengthening my character, I decided it was time to exercise a little self-discipline. I swear it had nothing to do with the strange dream I had the week prior.
In the dream, a cloudy apparition hovered over the foot of my bed and called my name, “Maryann MilIerrrrr."
"Wha ... Who me?"
"Who are you? What do you want?"
''I'm the ghost of columns past."
"Right. And I'm Erma Bombeck."
"Tis not a moment for levity. You have much to account for this night."
"How about your indiscriminate use of poetic license?"
"It's not indiscriminate. I work very hard at it."
"Aha! So you admit to lying in your column."
"Well… not exactly lying. I prefer to call it 'stretching the truth. '"
"And how do you think your family and friends feel about this?"
"Oh, yeah? What about your friend, Mary? Do you know she was kicked out of the Gingerbread Hall of Fame after you credited her with your fiasco?"
"I didn't know that was going to happen. But you must admit it was a funny story. Honesty would have been very dull.”
"So. Let me see if I've got this straight. You'd do anything for a laugh?"
"And you are going to persist?"
"Of course. I've got job security to think about."
"In that case consider yourself warned. You might be sorry."
With that the hazy form disappeared, leaving me with much to ponder. Perhaps it was time to ease up a bit. So, I made a solemn vow never to poke fun at my friend, Mary, again ...
Well, maybe I would start the next week. First, I wanted to tell all my readers about the strange punch she used to make.
Have you made resolutions? How long do you normally stick to them? Yesterday at a local pie shop, the owner told a group of customers that she cuts way back on her pies in January because so many folks go on diets. She joked about how production always picks up in February. According to stats compiled by the University of Scranton, only 8% of people keep their resolutions. Wow, I thought the number would be higher.