Monday Morning Musings

First, I want to thank everyone who has bought copies of One Small Victory this month for their Kindles. The book has become quite popular, and I am so thrilled that Jenny's story is getting read by so many people.

Today I am blogging on All Day, All Night Romance Divas about the tools writers use and how they have evolved. Stop on by if you get a chance. 

I spent most of the weekend unconnected from the Internet and even the news. It was kind of strange as I am seldom totally disconneced. Even when I am on vacation, I will check e-mail and get news online or on television, but I didn't do that this weekend. Wasn't on Facebook or Twitter either. So I don't have much to muse about.

However, I did read something interesting in the Saturday newspaper. It was in the advice column written by Carolyn Hax in response to a woman who wanted to know what to do when one partner in a marriage feels like they are doing all the heavy lifting. Carolyn encouraged the woman to have a frank discussion with her husband about what needs to be done to maintain the home and see what he is willing to do to help. She also encouraged the woman to  review her expectations and perhaps lower the bar. Carolyn concluded by writing:

There comes a point when standing up for yourself fails, when saying how you feel about it fails, when doing everything in angry silence fails, when doing your own cooking, laundry and dishes fails, and that point is when the marriage fails. Best to bring in the disaster team before your anger at the unfairness swallows up all the love."

I think we have all been there at some point, whether it be in a marriage or some other relationship. I can remember being angry with my siblings when I thought they were getting away with not doing their chores and my parents were all over me like hot tar. There were many moments when my anger over something my kids did, or didn't do, clouded my memory of the joy I felt when they were born. And there have been plenty of times I have been angry at my husband and that anger crowded out any feeling of love.

A long time ago, I learned something that helps me when the anger wants to dominate. Love is a decision. We can separate and protect that loving part of our relationships from the things that make us angry. It's part of unconditional love. You can make me so angry that I want to throttle you, but I can still love you if I choose. And it's funny, the more I choose, the less those other issues seem to matter.

How do you deal with the anger issues in your relationships? 

Anger - Not Always a Bad Thing

I was sorting through some handouts yesterday from grief workshops I used to conduct in my role as a hospital chaplain. Several about anger were clipped together, and when I glanced through them I realized that I have always had a problem around anger. Probably because I grew up in a family that had no clue about the healthy ways to express that particular emotion. Anger tended to erupt like some dormant volcano, and I would run to avoid the flow of lava.

It took me a long time to realize how much that instinct to run away from anger and confrontation affected my writing. I could be working on a scene that had some major conflict between two characters, and I would quickly insert reason and bring the level of conflict down.

This was pointed out to me by Stephen Marro, a producer/director in New York that I worked with for a while doing script editing and doctoring. We also wrote a few scripts together. He would come up with the ideas and the basic story beats, and I was to flesh them out. He read one of my scenes and then asked, "Where's the beef, Maryann? These people are talking this conflict to death."

So, much like I had to force myself to allow my characters to use colorful language (see my post at The Blood Red Pencil) I had to force myself to let my characters get really angry and ratchet up the conflict.

What about you? Are there emotions that you struggle with in your writing? How hard is it for you to separate yourself from your characters?

I'm Quitting Advice Columnists

I swear I've got to stop reading advice columnists and get a life. I don't agree with most of the advice anyway, so I don't know why I bother. Old habit, I guess.

A long time ago a writing instructor encouraged members of the class to read the advice columns for story ideas. That was especially significant for anyone wanting to write for the pulp women's magazines True Story and the others of that ilk. The instructor also said it would be helpful even if we weren't interested in writing for those magazines, but were writing fiction. She considered it a good way to find out more about human behavior and maybe even pick up a character or two.

I can't say that I ever found a direct benefit from reading the columns, so I'm really not sure why I continued. Except that "habit" thing. I'm bad with that. Took me four tries and a number of years to finally quit smoking.

Anyway, I was reading the paper last night and glanced at the headline for one of the new, younger, advice columnists: Tween Worried About Anger. An 11-year-old girl had written to express concern because she often got angry for no reason. She described the anger as extreme and wrote that she would go to her room to try to chill out with music. Then she would start feeling incredibly sad - also for no reason - and would end up crying. She was worried about whether what was happening to her might be an indication of a serious problem.

Red flags waving for anyone but me yet?

The columnist replied that what the girl was experiencing was normal, due to hormone changes related to puberty, pointing out that mood swings are a major part of early adolescence.

Okay, that much is true. But most of the mood swings pre-teens experience are triggered by something. Getting angry for no reason is not a normal part of this. Overreacting with anger because Mom told you to do something you didn't want to, or because you get grounded, is a normal part of the emotional turmoil of puberty.

If I had a child who was erupting in anger for no reason, I would be concerned and perhaps make an appointment with a counselor. And to the columnist's credit, she did encourage the girl to talk to her parents or another adult about the mood swings, but she didn't caution the girl that she could be experiencing something that has a more serious underlying cause.

Manic Depression anyone?